I wish I can see you from my windowpane every night before I go to sleep. At least even though we’re not right by each other, we had each other’s faces before we die.
And so I smiled in front of the cameras alongside the endless flashing of those killer bulbs. And so I stood still and waited for long until you got back to say you can’t come.
And so I ignored the pain of holding those roses even though the thorns were torturing me to bits. And so I stayed up that night and fought my lifeless eyes just to hear your voice over the phone but you never make that call.
Long words were said, actions were needed. Tears were shed, and empty hearts have been quitters. Love letters were burnt, but of course not all of them. But it’s too late now, the train run off from you.
And I am inside, watching my own self bleed.
I want to kill myself.
No more grunts. No more shenanigans. No more affection. Just pure shattered compassion. I am lost to this very point of my existence. I am perfect. And that is bringing me to hell ever since. I was beautiful; and I am tired of making myself as a disaster. I am shallow, forced to dive into that deep well of great sadness. I am stupid, and that is the only part in my life that brings happiness to my breathing. Air, air. Let me lose it before I fire myself in this depressing job of being the antagonist of my own self.
D O N E.
Four-letter word that describes it all.
L O V E.
Four-letter word that triggered it all. And I fall. I fell. Hard. Really hard.
I was looking at the mirror and my reflection’s been telling me to be pure; impossible I know but at least that’s hope. Pretension, I was learning to be true to myself that my life is crystal clear, a pretension. I am sorry, I didn’t mean to. And why do I need to apologize if I loved it all. I loved the wild side, I loved the bad kid inside of me who break rules and break hearts. I loved it, and maybe I must not used a past tense - “I love it” No regrets, just pure death desire.
I am in tears now, I can’t write more.
I am tired of feeling like I’m the only one in love.
You are tired of feeling like you don’t fucking give a damn.
I loved it when I used to trace the parts of your face with my fingers; And I know you loved it too. I loved how fearless I have become embracing you tightly in the streets with all those judgmental eyes; I know you loved it too. I loved it when we filled the silence of the night with the sound of our kisses that made us alive; And yes, I know you loved it too. Every song written and sung, every comfort from our holding hands, every thing that made us happy because we had each other, I loved it; And I know you loved it too.
But you gave them up so easily as if you were running from joy. Those times I asked myself, “Don’t you want to be happy?” and worse, “Am I not making you happy?” I used to lose every confidence I have in my body when you left. All I knew was that we were so perfect one day, then so hopeless the next. You threw your hands up, tears down, then start to walk away. And the only thing that bothered me was that I loved seeing you walk away. I was so sad, it’s just that everything you do is beautiful even breaking my heart.
But now I am no longer asking for anything. You chose your path and I accepted it. You gave up and even though I don’t understand why, everything is fine now. Maybe you really don’t want to be happy because you’re afraid to get hurt. You take risk but you don’t take them fully. Now I was left to love every memory we built and I know you love them too. So goodbye my love, goodbye.
If I could
ask
YOU when
one thing, you
I’d tell, had
“Why the
DIDN’T chance?
you
kiss me
I solemnly believe in second chances.
Like fuck me hard, then fuck up; If you beg me to come back, let’s fuck again. But if you fuck up again, fuck you and fuck yourself because you can’t get me back ever again. That’s it, I solemnly believe this.
It’s like letting go of the rope with just one of your hand, and the other still has its grip. The hope you still hold on to after a heartbreak. I can’t let go of that easily. But second chance is enough, no more.
I really see second chances as the middleman of holding on and letting go. Less is cruelty, more is stupidity. I think this is really needed to test your feelings, your relationship, your bravery about taking risk. Because that’s what love teaches us, to take risks.
I don’t want to say much, some of you might disagree but I bet many will just say I’m right. Thank you very much for this sorta lame speech (Or you can remove that ‘sorta’) Goodnight everyone. And we might see each other in second chances.
Cheers!
I only
asked if
I can
HEAR to
it. synchronize
But its beating
I never with
asked mine.
YOU
He heard the words I whispered in his ears.
But in the life that I have lived, I cannot assure myself that I really felt something like that. It was something big to say, especially to feel. I am never sure, but it came out of my mouth. Every single letter that were constructed into words, I felt it.
He listened, of course. But listening is far from understanding. It is still empty in his mind. A jar with nothing in it. Yes, he heard everything but he did not contain it inside of him. And the sad reality is that, I am not there anymore to deliver. I just cannot, never again.
“It is like I can never speak those words again unless everything is certain. I need refuge from those words I spoke to you and now it seems that I am glad that you didn’t understand them; because it will be harder for me to forget all about it, if you did.”
But if there is one thing that I am quite sure he understood, it is the word ‘goodbye.’ It is sad how he can give it to me and feel less suffering, or maybe nothing at all. I am but a leaf, falling down from his branches; even though he once took a strong grip on me.
I heard the words he whispered in my ears; they are the words I never want to hear from him.
